Together their Torchwood
by JantoGleek
Summary: Every wondered what Torchwood would be like if it were Friends instead. Well that's what this is! Jack/Ianto and other pairs! Rated T to be safe. R&R please! :D I have put it as a Normal story because it doesn't really include any Friends characters.
1. Pilot

**Hi I decided to start a Friends/Torchwood fic. Not sure how it will turn out yet so Enjoy!**

**Pilot:**

The Torchwood team were sat by the sofa's in the Hub drinking Ianto's coffee. They were discussing the new guy Gwen was "dating".

"There's nothing to tell! He's just some guy I work with! Gwen protested.

"Come on your going out with the guy! There has to be something wrong with him!" John laughed.

"So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece?" Owen asked keeping a straight face.

"Wait, does he eat chalk?" Tosh suddenly asked.

The team all look at her bemused.

"Just cause I don't want her to go through what I went through with Tommy." Tosh added.

Gwen brought everyone back from the memory of Tommy. "Relax. This is not even a date. It's just two people going out to dinner and not having sex."

"Sounds like a date to me." Owen mumbled.

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The next day the team are in the same place drinking coffee again. Jack walked in look very upset.

"Hi." He practically moaned.

"This guy says hello. I wanna kill myself." John tried to laugh of Jack's unhappiness.

"You okay sweetie?" Gwen soothed.

"I just feel like someone reached down my throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my neck." Jack said. The team were silent.

"Cookie?" John asked.

"Martha moved her stuff out today." Gwen explained to the others. "Let me get you some coffee." She said to Jack moving away.

"Ohh. Ohh." Tosh started to pluck the air around her.

"No! No don't! Stop cleansing my aura! No, just leave my aura alone okay? I'll be fine alright? I hope she'll be very happy." Jack said flopping into a chair.

"No you don't." Gwen said coming back with coffee.

"No I don't, to hell with her she left me!" Jack said.

"And you never knew she was a lesbian?" John asked.

"No! Okay?! Why does everyone keep fixating on that. She didn't know, how should I know?" Jack sighed.

"It's seems a shame as well considering you had the decency to tell her you were bi." John said to Jack.

"Sometimes I wish I were a lesbian." Owen pondered aloud. The others stared at him. "Did I say that out loud?"

The team focused on John as he started speaking. "Alright Jack look, You're feeling a lot of pain right now, your angry, your hurting. Can I tell you what the answer is?"

"What?" Jack asked.

"Strip-joint! C'mon your single. Have some hormones!" John exclaimed.

I don't wanna be single okay? I just.. I just.. I just wanna be married again! Jack sighed again just as Ianto burst into the Hub soaking wet in his wedding suit. He began searching around the Hub.

"And I just want a billion dollars!" Owen extended his hand hopefully.

"Ianto!?" Gwen exclaimed.

"Oh God Gwen hi! I just went to your building and this guy with a hammer said you were here so I ran over! Ianto rushed.

"Okay everybody this is Ianto another Torchwood High survivor." Gwen speaks to Ianto again. "Ianto this is everybody. Owen, John, Tosh and you remember my brother, Jack?

"Hi sure." Ianto goes to shake Jack's hand but Jack's umbrella opens. Jack sit's down again embarrassed.

There was a moments silence. "So you wanna tell us now?" Gwen asked breaking the silence.

"Ermm.. oh God where do I start? Well I guess it was half an hour before the wedding. I was in the room where they keep all the presents. And I looked at this gravy boat before a realised that the gravy boat turned me on more than Barry did! Then I started to freak out and I wondered why I was doing this and who was I doing it for. So well I just got the hell out of there and came to the only person I knew wouldn't look down on me for doing this. Ianto explained.

"Aww. You can always count on me Ianto." Gwen smiled.

"Thanks."

"He is really, really hot." Jack whispered to Tosh.

"Shhh! He's only just broken up with someone! As have you!" Tosh said in a shushed whisper.

"Only saying." Jack mumbled.

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_Gwen's apartment_:

Ianto is on the phone to his dad. "Look dad, listen to me. All my life people have been telling me what to do. And it's time I did what I think is best and I think getting along by myself is what's best. Well I guess I could stay here with Gwen."

"I guess we've established who's staying here with Gwen!" Gwen exclaimed.

"You know who Gwen is! High school best friend. Well maybe I don't need your money. Wait! I said maybe!"

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_Gwen's apartment:_

Ianto is sitting on the sofa. "Breathe, breathe. Just try to think of nice calm things." Gwen soothed.

Tosh starts to sing. "Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, bluebells and sleighbells and something with mittens.. la la la la..."

"I'm better now." Ianto interrupted.

Tosh turned to John and Owen. "I helped!"

Suddenly the door buzzer sounds. Owen goes to get it. "Please don't do that again it's a horrible sound." He said into the receiver.

"It's uh, it's Rhys." The other end said.

"Buzz him in!" Gwen hurried.

"Who's Rhys?" John asked.

"Rhys the wine guy, Rhys?" Jack asked suddenly interested.

"Wait, your not-real-date tonight is with Rhys the wine guy?" John laughed.

"Yes!" Gwen said.

"Oohh. This is a Dear Diary moment." Owen said.

Rhys enters the room and Gwen introduces everyone.

"Hey! Rhys! Hi! The wine guy! Hey!" Everyone says.

"I'm sorry I didn't catch your name, Rhys was it?" Owen asks sarcastically.

Gwen and Rhys leave the room for their date. Jack slides up to Ianto by the sofa.

"So Ianto. What're you up to tonight?" He asked.

"Well I was supposed to be heading for Aruba for my honeymoon so nothing!" Ianto sighed.

"No.. no ermm.. Aruba, this time of year. Talk about your..." Jack stops to think. "Big lizards... anyway I wondered do you wanna come over see if you can help me put some furniture up in my new apartment?"

"Thanks but I would rather just hang out here." Ianto said.

"Ok." Jack walked away from Ianto.

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Gwen and Rhys are eating dinner in a restaurant:

"Oh my God!" Gwen laughed.

"I know, I know, i'm such an idiot. I should've caught on when she started going to the dentist's four times a week! I mean how clean can teeth get!?" Rhys laughed as well.

"My brother's going through that right now. How did you get through it?" Gwen asked.

"Well you might wanna try breaking something valuable of hers. I went for her watch." Rhys grinned.

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Ross's apartment:

"You know what the scariest part is? What if there's only one woman for everybody, y'know? I mean what if you get one woman- and that's it? Unfortunately in my case, there was only one woman- for her..." Jack never really finished his sentence.

"What are you talking about? 'One woman'? That's like saying there's only one flavour of ice cream for you. Lemme tell you something, Jack. There's lots of flavours out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing! Cherry Vanilla. You could get 'em with Jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream! This is the best thing that ever happened to you! You got married, you were, like, what, eight? Welcome back to the world! Grab a spoon!" John exclaimed.

"I honestly don't know whether i'm hungry or horny." Jack grinned.

"Stay out of my freezer!" Owen said slightly scared.

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Gwen's apartment the next day:

"Morning!" Gwen called to everyone coming from her room.

"Morning!" The team replied.

Rhys suddenly walked out of Gwen's room. "Morning." He said.

"Morning Rhys." John said.

"Hello Rhys." Ianto smiled.

"Hi, Rhys, was it?" Owen asked again sarcastically.

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Gwen's work:

"Hey Fran!" Gwen said to her friend from work.

"You had sex didn't you?" She asked.

"How do you do that?" Gwen asked her back.

"So who was it?" Fran said smiling.

"Rhys. You know. Rhys the wine guy." Gwen said smiling.

"Oh yeah. I know Rhys." Frannie replied grinning.

"You mean, you know Rhys like I know Rhys?" Gwen asked.

"Are you kidding!? I take credit for Rhys!" Franna said.

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_Gwen's apartment:_

Jack, Ianto and Gwen had just finished watching a movie. "Well I'm off to bed." Gwen said.

"Okay. Are you gunna crash on the sofa?" Ianto asked Jack.

"No I gotta go home some time." Jack sighed. "Hey erm.. Ianto?"

"Yeah?"

"Say would it be okay if I asked you out sometime?" Jack asked.

"Yeah.."

"Maybe I will." Jack coughed.

"Goodnight."

"Night."

Ianto walked towards his room and closed the door. Gwen came out ready for bed. "What you grinning about?" She asked Jack.

"I just grabbed a spoon." Jack said still grinning as he left the apartment.

**Did you like it? Many more to come but they take so long to write! Review please! Thanks!**


	2. The One With The Sonogram At The End

**Okay, so this hasn't been written for a very long time! But no worries here the second chapter is and I will am trying to get all my fics done by December 1st, so I can begin a christmas fic :) **

Torchwood were sitting again on the old, battered sofa in the Hub.

"What you guys don't understand is, for us, kissing is as important as any part of it." Gwen was explaining to Owen, John and Jack.

"Yeah, right!" John laughed. He then saw the looks on the girls faces. "Y'serious?"

Tosh sighed. "Oh yeah!"

"I agree with you girls, everything you need to know is in that first kiss." Ianto said his gaze lingering on Jack for a moment. They stared at each other for a few moments.

"Absolutely." Gwen agreed snapping the boys out of their 'trance'.

"Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much the opening act, y'know? I mean it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out." Owen explained with a hint of a grin on his face. The problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again, y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically just trying to stay awake."

Ianto scoffed. "Yeah, well, word of advice: Bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone."

Ianto hi-fived Tosh. They were all smirking. There was a short pause.

"Are we still talking about sex?" John asked looking confused. The team sighed and threw some bread at him.

Jack is talking to Marsha, in the Museum Of Prehistoric History where he works.

"No it's good, it is good, it's just that -mm- doesn't she seem a little...angry?" He settled on that as to not hurt her feelings.

"Well she has issues." Marsha told him sarcastically.

"Does she?" Jack grinned.

Marsha put her hands on her hips. "Think about it, he's out banging other women over the head with a club, while she sits at home trying to get the mastodon smell out of the carpet!"

Jack smiled. "Marsha honey, these are _cave _people. Okay? They have issues like, 'Gee that glaciers getting kinda close.' See?" He explained gently.

"Speaking of issues, isn't that your ex-wife?" Marsha asked pointing over his shoulder.

Martha has entered and his standing behind them. Jack tries to ignore her. "No. No..."

"Yes it is! Martha, hi!" Marsha started calling and waving.

"Okay, okay yes it is." Jack waved sarcastically. "How about I'll, err, catch up with you in the Ice Age?" Jack gently pushed Marsha along.

Jack beckoned Martha into the exhibit where he was standing.

"Hi." He said deadpan.

"So." Martha replied awkwardly.

"You look great." There was a pause. "I hate that." Jack added.

Martha laughed gently. "Sorry. You look good too."

"So what's new? Still..." Jack left the question in the air.

"A lesbian?" Martha finished for him.

"Well...you never know. Hows, um...how's the family?" Jack said desperately changing the subject.

"Tom's still totally paranoid, oh and uh-" Martha was cut off by Jack.

"Why are you here Martha?" He asked directly folding his arms across his chest.

"I'm pregnant."

"Pregnant!"

Owen, Gwen, Ianto, John and Tosh are sitting in Gwen and Ianto's apartment.

"Are you done with that?" Gwen asked John pointing to his drink that he was still holding.

"Yeah, sorry the swallowing slowed me down." John replied sarcastically as Gwen took his drink away to be washed up.

"Whose little ball of paper is this!" Gwen asked angrily holding it up.

"Oh, uh, that would be mine. See, I wrote a note to myself, and then I realised I didn't need it, so I balled it up and..." Owen saw the look Gwen was giving him. " ...now I wish I was dead."

Gwen throws the paper away and begins fluffing a cushion on the sofa.

"She's already fluffed that pillow, Gwen you've already fluffed that -" Gwen looked at Tosh glaring daggers. "-but it's fine!"

"Look, I'm sorry guys, I just don't wanna give them any more ammunition than they already have." Gwen told them.

"Yes, and we all know how cruel a parent can be about the flatness of a child's pillow." Owen remarked grinning.

"Gwen, -hi! Um Gwen, you're scaring me. I mean you're like all chaotic and twirly. And not in a good way." Tosh told her gently.

John joined in. "Yeah, calm down, you don't see Jack getting all.." He looked at Tosh. "Chaotic and twirly everytime they come."

"That's because as far as my parents are concerned, Jack can do no wrong. Y'see, he's the Prince. Apparently they had some big ceremony before I was born." Gwen spat, clearly annoyed.

Meanwhile Owen is at the window. "Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!" He called.

"What!" Gwen asked.

"Ugly naked guy got a thigh master!" He said with disgust.

"Eeaagh!" Everyone called.

Ianto walked in looking around frantically. "Has anyone seen my engagement ring?" He asked.

"Yeah, it's beautiful." Tosh told him.

"Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God..." Ianto started to feel under all the cushions.

"No don't touch...that." Tosh tried to stop Ianto from un-fluffing the cushions but it was too late.

"Oh, like I wasn't dreading tomorrow enough, having to give it back to him... 'Hi Barry! Remember me? I'm the guy in the suit who stomped on your heart in front of your entire family!' Oh God and now I'm gonna have to return the ring, without the ring, which makes it so much harder..." Ianto was slumped onto the floor.

"Easy, Yan. We're find it. Won't we!" Gwen called to everyone.

"Sure." John and Owen said.

"Alright, when did you have it on last?" John asked.

"Doy! Probably right before he lost it!" Tosh stated.

"You don't get a lot of 'doy' these days." Owen pondered aloud.

"I know I had it this morning, and I know I had it when I was in the kitchen with..." Realisation dawned on Ianto. He looked at the lasagne. "Ohhhh, don't be mad right but..."

"You didn't." Gwen looked angry.

"Oh, I am so sorry!" Ianto told her.

"I gave you one job!" She shouted picking up the lasagne and looking at his trying to see the ring.

"Oh but look how straight those noodles are!" Ianto tried.

Gwen sighed.

"Now, Gwen, you know that's not how you look for a ring in a lasagne." Owen grinned.

Gwen put down the lasagne. "I just cant do it."

"Boys? We're going in." Owen grinned as he, John and Tosh went and delved into the lasagne with their hands.

Suddenly someone knocked on the door. Gwen opened it.

"...hi..." Jack said glumly.

"Wow that is not a happy hi." Gwen stated.

"Martha's pregnant." Jack told them all.

It is silent for a few minutes whilst everyone is stunned. "Oh, I found it!" Tosh held up the engagement ring proudly.

"W-w-wh...-wha-...w-w-w..." Gwen started to say but not really knowing what she was saying.

"Yeah do that for another 2 hours, you might be where I am right now." Jack sighed.

"Well now, how do you fit into this whole thing?" Ianto asked.

"Well, Martha says she and Donna want me to be involved but if I'm not comfortable with it, I don't have to be involved, basically it's entirely up to me." Jack replied glum.

"She is so great! I miss her." Tosh said sadly. Everyone ignored her.

"What does she mean, 'involved'?" Gwen asked.

"I mean presumably the biggest part of you job is done." Owen said trying to make light of the situation.

"Anyway." Jack pressed. "They want me to go down to this – sonogram thing with them tomorrow."

"So what are you gonna do?" Ianto asked gently.

"I dunno, no matter what I do I'm still gonna be a father." Jack told them.

It is silent. They hear the sound of eating behind them.

"John?"

John looks up from the lasagne. "This is still ruined right?"

Jack and Gwen are in Gwen and Ianto's apartment serving dinner and poring wine for Mr and Mrs Cooper-Harkness.

"Oh, Carrie Ludwin's daughter is gonna call you." Mrs Cooper-Harkness says as she tastes some of Gwen's food. "What's that curry taste?" She asked.

"Curry." Gwen said.

"Mmmmm!" Her mother made a huge sarcastic, pretending to like the food.

Gwen looked like she was about to hit her mother. "I think there great! I really do!" Jack said quickly.

"Do you remember the Ludwin's?" Mr Cooper-Harkness asked Jack. "The big one had a thing for you didn't she?"

"They all had a thing for him!" Mrs Cooper-Harkness laughed.

"Aww..mom." Jack grinned.

"I'm sorry, why is the girl going to call me?" Gwen cut in.

"Oh, she just graduated, and she wants to be something in police or investigating or something...I don't know, Anyway I told her you owned a police station and..."

"No, mom, I don't own the police station, I work in the police station." Gwen corrected her.

"Well, they don't need to know that." Mrs Cooper-Harkness started to fluff a pillow.

"Jack, can you come help me with the spaghetti please?" Gwen hissed through clenched teeth.

"Yeah." Jack and Gwen went over into the kitchen.

"Oh, we're having spaghetti, that's...easy.." Chided Mrs Cooper-Harkness.

"I know this is going to sound unbelievably selfish, but, were you planning on bringing up the whole baby/lesbian thing? Because I think it might take some of the heat off me." Gwen told Jack whispering.

Jack just sighed and walked back to the table.

The family were indulged in conversation as they ate their dinner.

"What that Ianto did to his life...we ran into his parents at the club, they were not playing well." Mrs Cooper-Harkness was telling them.

"I'm not going to tell you how much they spent on that wedding, but forty thousand pounds is a lot of money!" Mr Cooper-Harkness told them.

"Well at least he had the chance to leave a man at the altar..." Gwen and Jack's mum said wistfully.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Gwen asked angrily.

"Nothing, it's an expression!" their mum replied.

"No it's not." Gwen replied.

"Don't listen to your mother. You're independent, and you always have been! Even when you were a kid... and you were chubby, and you had no friends, you were just fine! And you would read alone in your room, and your puzzles..." their father carried on.

A little while later Mr Cooper-Harkness was still talking.

"Look, there are people like Ross who need to shoot for the stars, with his museum, and his papers getting published. Other people are satisfied with staying where they are- I'm telling you, these are the people who never get cancer."

An hour later Mr Cooper-Harkness was _still _talking.

"And I read about these women trying to have it all, and I thank God 'Our Little Gwennie' doesn't seem to have that problem."

Gwen tried to change the subject. "So Jack, what's going on with you? Any stories?" Gwen dug her elbow into Jack's hand. "No news? No little anecdotes to share with the folks?" She asked sharply.

Jack pulled his hand away from pain. "Okay! Okay. Look I realise you guys have been wondering what exactly happened between Martha and me, and, so, well, here's the deal. Martha's a lesbian. She's living with a woman named Donna. She's pregnant with my child, and she and Donna are going to raise the baby." Jack finished.

His parents were shell-shocked.

Mrs Cooper-Harkness turned to Gwen. "And you knew about this?"

Gwen sighed and put her head in her hands.

"Your folks are really that bad huh?" John asked.

The team were back on the sofa's in The Hub drinking coffee.

"Uh-huh. Boy, I know they say you can't change your parents,... boy, if you could-" Gwen turned to Jack. " -I'd want yours."

Jack grinned. "Must pee." He got up and headed for the men's bathroom.

"Y'know it's even worse when your twins." Tosh said.

"Your twins?" Ianto asked.

"Yeah we don't speak though, she's like this high-powered, driven career type." She replied.

"What does she do?" Owen asked.

"She's a waitress."

Ianto smiled. "Alright you guys, I kinda gotta clean up now."

The team started to leave. "Owen, your an only child right? You don't have any of this." Gwen asked him.

"Well, no, although I did have an imaginary friend once, who my parents actually preferred." Owen told them.

"The light's please!" Ianto called to John. John switched the lights off as the team left.

Jack walked back into the room to find Ianto cleaning up.

"How long was I in there?" He joked.

"I'm just cleaning up." Ianto smiled.

"D'ya, uh d'ya need any help?" Jack asked him.

"Uh..okay sure." He hands Jack the broom then sits down.

"Anyway, um, you nervous about Barry tomorrow?" Jack asked as he began to sweep.

"Oh..a little." Ianto admitted.

"Mmhh."

"A lot."

"Mm." Jack mumbled again.

"So you got any advice? For someone who's recently been dumped?" Ianto asked.

"Well, you may wanna steer clear of the word 'dumped'. Chances are he's gonna be this, this broken shell of a man, y'know, so you should try not to look too terrific, I know it'll be hard. Or, y'know, uh, hey!, I'll go down there, and I'll give Barry back his ring, and you can go with Martha and Donna to the OB/GYN..." Jack joked again.

"Oh you have Martha tomorrow. When did it all get so complicated?" Ianto sighed.

"Got me." Jack answered thoughtfully.

"Remember when we were in high school together, didn't you just think you would meet someone, fall in love and that'd be it." Ianto sighed again sadly.

Jack was gazing at Ianto. "Jack?" Ianto asked.

"Yes. Yes!" He replied quickly.

"Oh, man I never thought I'd be here." Ianto leaned his head back onto Jack's hand. Jack pulled up a stool so he didn't have to move Ianto's head off his hand.

Jack ran into the clinic. He was late.

"Sorry I'm late, I was stuck at work, there was this big dinosaur...thing..anyway." Jack said.

Donna walked into the room with a drink. "Hi." She said.

"Jack, you remember Donna?" Martha said.

"How could I forget?" Jack smiled. "So we are waiting for Doctor..."

"Dr Who." Martha told him.

"And is he familiar with out...special situation?" Jack asked awkwardly.

"Yes, he's very supportive." Martha smiled.

There is an awkward silence. Jack picks up a surgical tool and opens it out a few times. "Quack, quack." He joked.

"Jack, that opens my cervix."

Jack dropped the tool in horror.

"Barry?" Ianto called.

"C'mon in." Barry called back.

Ianto looked at the young boy in the orthodontists chair. "You sure?" He asked hesitating.

"Sure, Robbie's gonna be here for hours." Barry told him. "So how ya doing?

"I'm uh..I'm okay, you look great!" Ianto said.

"Yeah well..."

"So, um, how's this gonna work? Y'know with us? Y'know when it comes to making important decisions?" Jack asked Martha and Donna.

"Give me a for instance?" Martha asked.

"Like the babies name." Jack said.

"Marlon-"

"Marlon!" Jack cried.

"-if it's a boy, Minnie if it's a girl." Martha continued.

"As in Mouse?" Jack asked.

"As in my Grandmother." Martha told him.

"Still, you, you say Minnie you hear Mouse. How about, how about Julia?" Jack said.

"Julia..." Martha thought about the name.

"We agreed on Minnie." Donna cut in.

"S'funny, um, uh, we agreed we'd spend the rest of our lives together. Things change, roll with the punches. I believe Julia's on the table..?" Jack snapped at Donna.

Barry walked back into the room. "Sorry about that, so what have you been up to?" He asked Ianto.

"Oh, not much, I got a job." Ianto said.

"Oh, that's great."

"Why are you – why are you so tanned?" Ianto asked Barry.

"Oh, I urr, I went to Aruba." Barry admitted.

"Oh, you went on our honeymoon alone?" Ianto asked suddenly feeling guilty.

"No. I went with...uh, now this may hurt." Barry said.

"Me?" Robbie asked.

"No!" Barry turned back to Ianto. "I went with Lisa."

"Lisa! You went with Lisa!" Ianto squeaked all feelings of guilt gone.

"Yeah, we're kind of a.. thing now." Barry told him.

"Oh...well I er...i guess this." Ianto pulled out the platinum band out of his pocket. "Belongs to you." He handed it over to Barry then walked silently out of the Orthodontists.

"Oh please, what's wrong with Helen!" Donna cried at Jack. The three were still arguing over the name of the baby.

"Helen Cooper-Harkness? I don't think so." Jack said.

"Hello? It's not gonna be Helen Cooper-Hakness." Martha said.

"Thank you!" Jack cried.

"No I mean it's not gonna be Cooper-Harkness." Martha corrected him.

"What? It's gonna be Helen Jones?" Jack asked.

"No, actually, um, we talked about Helena Jones-Noble." Martha said gently.

"Well, wait a minute, wha-, why is she in the title?" Jack asked outraged.

"It's my baby too!" Donna said.

"Oh, s'funny really, I don't recall you making any sperm!" He shouted.

"Yeah and we all know what a challenge that is!" Donna shouted back.

"All right you two, stop it!" Martha pleaded.

"No, no, no she get's credit, I'm in there too!" Jack protested.

"Jack. Your not actually suggesting Helen Jones-Noble-Cooper-Harkess, caz I think that borders on child abuse!" Martha scoffed.

"Of course not, I'm suggesting Cooper-Harkness-Jones-Noble."

"Oh, no, nonononono, you see what he's doing? He knows no-one's gonna say all those names, so they'll wind up calling her Cooper-Harkness, then he gets his way!" Donna protested.

"My way! You-you think this is my way! Of all the ways I imagined this moment in my life being, this is not the way – y'know what? Uh um, this is too hard. I'm not, I can't do-" Jack was cut off my the Doctor walking in.

"Knock, knock! How are we today? Any nausea?" The Doctor asked.

"Yeah. Yeah a little." All three of them said.

"Well, I was actually wondering about the mother-to-be but..thanks for sharing." The Doctor went over to Martha. "Lie back."

The sound of the sonogram fills the room. All three stare at the small screen.

"Oh my God." Jack said.

"Look at that."

"I know." Martha smiled as did the other two.

The team were all in Gwen and Ianto's apartment again. They were watching the TV as Jack had brought home the sonogram video.

"Well isn't that amazing?" Jack asked them all.

"What are we supposed to be seeing here?" John asked confused.

"I dunno...but I think it's about to attack the Enterprise." Owen grinned.

"You know if you tilt your head to the left and relax your eyes, it kinda looks like an old potato." Tosh said doing exactly what she had described.

"Then don't do that okay!" Jack exclaimed.

"Okay!"

"Gwen, whaddya think?" Jack asked her.

Gwen was on the verge of crying with happiness so just answered with an, "mmh."

"Are you welling up?" Jack grinned.

"No!" Gwen said.

"You are! Your welling up!" Jack grin turned wider.

"Am not!" Gwen cried.

"Your gonna be an aunt." Jack told her still grinning.

"Oh shutup!" She started to cry, pushing Jack away.

"Hi, Lisa. Hi, it-it's Ianto. Yeah, I'm fine. I-I saw Barry today. Oh, yeah, yeah he-he told me. No, no, it's okay. I hope you two are very happy, I really do. Oh, oh, and Lise', y'know, if-if everything works out, and you guys end up getting married and having kids- and everything- I just hope they have his old hairline and your old nose!" Ianto slammed down the phone with a grin on his face. He turned and saw the team looking at him. "Okay, I know it was a cheap shot, but I feel _so _much better now!"

**There we are then :) You have NO idea how long it takes to write these :) Well hope you enjoyed it and there will be more soon :)**


	3. The One With The Thumb

**Woo another chapter, I've realised that there is about 90-ish days until December 1st which means I don't really have long to finish my fics but here goes :) Next Chapter:**

The team sat on the Hub's sofa's drinking coffee Ianto had made.

"Hey Tosh!" They all called as she walked in.

"Hey." She replied.

"Hey. Oh, oh, how'd it go?" Jack asked excitedly.

"Um. Not so good. He walked me to the bay and then said, 'we should do this again'."

"Ohh. Ouch!" The others all said.

"What? He said we should this again, that's good right?" Ianto asked confused.

"Uh, no. Loosely translated 'we should do this again' means 'you will never see me naked'" Gwen explained to him as the others nodded.

"Since when!" Ianto asked shocked, it'd been a while since he'd dated.

"Since always. It's like dating language. Y'know like 'it's not you, it's me' means 'it is you'." John explained.

"Or 'your such a nice guy' means 'I'm gonna be dating leather-wearing alcoholics and complaining to them about you'." Owen smiled.

"Or, or, y'know, um, 'I think we should see other people' means 'Ha ha I already am'." Tosh added.

"And everybody knows this?" Ianto asked.

John nodded. "Yeah. Cushions the blow." He said.

"Yeah, it's like when your a kid and your parents put your dog to sleep and they tell you it went to live on some farm."

"That's funny, that, no, because uh, our parents actually did send our dog off to live on a farm." Jack told them all.

"Uh Jack." Gwen said gently.

Jack looked horrified. "What? Wh-hello! The Millners farm in Connecticut? The Millners, they had this unbelievable farm, they had horse and rabbits that he could chase and it was – it was – oh my God, Gray!" Jack realised that his dog had actually died and looks genuinely upset. Ianto patted him on the arm and he seemed to cheer up considerably.

TW

John and Owen are in their apartment. Owen is helping John learn his lines from the script John's been given.

"So how does it feel knowing your about to die?" Owen read from the script.

"Warden, in five minutes my pain will be over. But you'll have to live with the knowledge that you sent an honest man to die." John read back completely in character.

"Hey, that was really good!" Owen exclaimed.

"Thanks! Let's keep going." John said looking back at the script.

"Okay. So whaddya want from me Damone, huh?" Owen read again.

"I wanna go back to my cell, cause in my cell I can smoke."

"Smoke away." Owen said.

John took out a packet of cigarettes and a lighter. As he went to light the cigarette he dropped the lighter. He picked it up and lit the fag. He took a drag from it and coughed violently.

"I think this is probably why Damone smokes in his cell alone." Owen told him.

"What?" John asked.

"Relax your hand!" Owen cried.

John let his wrist go limp.

"Woahh! Not so much!" Owen exclaimed. "Alright now try taking a puff."

John took a puff and visibly winced.

"Alright...okay. Give it to me." Owen demanded.

"No, no, no, no! I'm not giving you a cigarette!"John told him.

"It's fine, it's fine. Look, do you wanna get this part or not?" Owen asked.

John looked at the cigarette and reluctantly handed it to Owen.

"Don't think of it as a cigarette. Think of it as the thing that's been missing from your hand. When you're holding it, you feel right. You feel complete." Owen told him looking at the cigarette.

"Y'miss it?" John asked sarcastically.

"Nah, not so much. Alright, now we smoke." Owen took a long drag on the cigarette. "Oh...my...God..." He sighed in happiness as he continued to smoke.

TW

John, Owen, Gwen and Jack were sitting on the sofa's again chatting.

Ianto walked in with a tray of drinks. "Alright, don't tell me, don't tell me! Decaf cappucino for John, Coffee black for Jack, Late.. for Owen and an iced tea for Gwen. I'm getting pretty good at this!" Ianto said handing the drinks round.

"Yeah, excellent!" They all agreed.

As Ianto walked away the team all swapped their drinks round. Tosh walked in muttering she sat down without saying hello.

"You okay Tosh?" John asked concerned.

"It's nothing, it's just- Okay. I'm going through my mail, and I open up my monthly, you know, STATEMENT-" Tosh said angrily and slightly crazily.

"Easy." Jack warned.

"And there's five hundred extra dollars in my account!" Tosh finished.

"Oh, Satan's minions at work again..." Owen replied sarcastically.

"Yes, 'cause now I have to go down there, and deal with them." Tosh said again, rather crazily.

"What are you talking about? Keep it!" John told her looking like she was nut's to even think about getting rid of it.

"It's not mine, I didn't earn it, if I kept it, it would be like stealing." She told them.

Ianto had come back into the room. "Yeah, but it's money!" He said.

"Okay. Okay, let's say I bought a really great pair of shoes. Do you know what I'd hear, with every step I took? 'Not-mine. Not-mine. Not-mine.' And even if I was happy, okay, and, and skipping- 'Not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine'..." Tosh said unhappily.

"We're with you. We got it." Gwen said gently.

Owen started to lean over the sofa, out of sight of the team.

"Okay. I'd- just- I'd never be able to enjoy it. It would be like this giant karmic debt." Tosh explained.

"Owen, what are you doing?" Ianto demanded.

"Hey. Whaddya doing?" Gwen asked pulling him up.

Owen sits up with his mouth looking weird. He tries to hold it in but eventually let's out a puff of smoke.

"Oh! Oh, God!" The team all cried.

"What is this?" Jack demanded.

"I'm smoking. I'm smoking, I'm smoking." Owen told them all, sighing.

"Oh, I can't believe you! You've been so good, for three years!" Tosh cried clearly disappointed in him.

"And this- is my reward!" Owen told them trying to make a joke of it.

The wern't having any of it. "Hold on a second, alright? Just think about what you went through the last time you quit." Jack said.

"Okay, so this time I won't quit!" Owen said triumphantly.

"Ohhh! Put it out!" Everyone cried together again.

"All right! I'm putting it out, I'm putting it out." Owen dropped the end into Tosh's coffee.

"Oh, no! I- I can't drink this now!" Tosh cried.

"Alright. I'm gonna go change, I've got a date." Gwen said grinning.

"This Andy again? How's it goin'?" Ianto asked.

"S'going pretty good, y'know? It's nice, and, we're having fun." Gwen smiled shyly.

"So when do we get to meet the guy?" John asked.

"Let's see, today's Monday... Never." Gwen laughed.

"Oh, come on! Come on!" They all laughed and hit her with newspapers and magazines.

"No. Not after what happened with Steve." Gwen said sternly.

"What are you talking about? We love Schhteve! Schhteve was schhexy!" Owen saw the look on Gwen's face. "Sorry."

"Look, I don't even know how I feel about him yet. Just give me a chance to figure that out." Gwen pleaded with the group.

"Well, then can we meet him?" Ianto asked.

"Nope. Schhorry." Gwen walked out laughing leaving her friends behind.

TW

Gwen was at work with her friend Ruth. They were sitting in the police stations cafeteria drinking coffee and talking about Steve.

"I mean, why should I let them meet him? I mean, I bring a guy home, and within five minutes they're all over him. I mean, they're like- coyotes, picking off the weak members of the herd." Gwen was saying.

"Listen. As someone who's seen more than her fair share of bad beef, I'll tell you: that is not such a terrible thing. I mean, they're your friends, they're just looking out after you." Ruth told her.

"I know. I just wish that once, I'd bring a guy home that they actually liked." Gwen sighed.

"Well, you do realise the odds of that happening are a little slimmer if they never get to meet the guy.." Gwen knew she was hinting at letting her friends meet him but she wasn't sure.

TW

The team were gathered in Gwen and Ianto's apartment. Owen is outside on the balcony smoking and Tosh is out.

"Let it go, Jack." John was saying to Jack.

"Yeah, well, you didn't know Gray." Jack told him still upset about his dog dying.

"Do you all promise?" Gwen asked sternly to her friends.

"Yeah! We promise! We'll be good!" They all cried.

"Owen? Do you promise to be good?" Gwen called out to the balcony.

Owen made the 'cross my heart, hope to die' sign across his chest. Suddenly a massive downpour of rain fell down. He tapped on the window for the guys to let him in.

"You can come in, but your filter-tipped little buddy has to stay outside!" John told him sharply.

Owen sulkily picked up the lid of a dustbin and sheltered underneath it.

Tosh suddenly stormed in and sat on the sofa holding a piece of paper.

"Hey, Tosh." Jack said gently.

"'Dear Ms. Sato. Thank you for calling attention to our error. We have credited your account with five hundred dollars. We're sorry for the inconvenience, and hope you'll accept this-" Tosh rummaged in her bag. " -_football phone_ as our free gift.' Do you believe this? Now I have a thousand dollars, and a football phone!" She cried indignantly.

"What bank is this?" Ianto asked.

The door buzzer suddenly sounded. Gwen walked over to answer it.

"Who is it?" She asked.

"It's Andy." A male voice replied.

"Owen! He's here!" John called to outside.

Owen came in through the hatch at the side. He was dripping wet from the rain.

"Okay, please be good, _please_. Just remember how much you all like me." Gwen pleaded with the group.

The door opened and Andy walked in.

"Hi. Andy, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Andy." Gwen introduced.

"Hi." Andy said pleasantly.

"Hi, Andy." They all said.

"I've heard schho much about all you guyschh!" Andy joked, obviously Gwen had told him about Steve.

The team all started laughing.

TW

"Thanks. I'll call you tomorrow." Gwen told Andy as she saw him out. "Okay. Okay, let's let the Andy-bashing begin. Who's gonna take the first shot, hmm?" She asked the group.

It is silence for a few moments.

MONICA: C'mon!

"...I'll go." Jack said. "Let's start with the way he kept picking at- no, I'm sorry, I can't do this, can't do this. We loved him." Jack told her gleefully.

"Loved him! Yeah! He's great!" They all chipped in.

"Wait a minute! We're talking about someone that _I'm_ going out with?" Gwen asked her mouth hanging open.

"Yeah!" They replied.

"Know what was great? The way his smile was kinda crooked." John said with a smile.

"Yes, yes! Like the man in the shoe!" Tosh said pointing excitedly at John.

The team went silent again. "...What shoe?" Jack asked.

"From the nursery rhyme. 'There was a crooked man, Who had a crooked smile, Who lived in a shoe, For a... while...'" Tosh explained.

Still no one replied.

"...So I think Alan will become the yardstick against which all future boyfriends will be measured." Jack told Gwen.

"What future boyfriends? Nono, I th- I think this could be, y'know, it." Ianto said excitedly.

"Really!" Gwen asked.

"Oh, yeah. I'd marry him just for his David Hasselhof impression alone. You know I'm gonna be doing that at parties, right?" Owen laughed doing the impression himself.

"You know what I like most about him, though?" Jack said.

"What?" They asked.

"The way he makes me feel about myself." He finished smiling.

"Yeah..." The team all went off into a daydream.

TW

Gwen was sitting on the sofa's alone when suddenly Jack, Ianto, Owen and John walked in in rugby gear.

"Hi.. how was the game?" Gwen asked cheerfully.

"Well.." Jack pretended to be sad.

"WE WON! Thank you! Yes!" They all cried gleefully.

"Fantastic! I have one question: How is that possible?" Gwen joked.

"Andy." John said simply.

"He was unbelievable. He was like that-that-that Bugs Bunny cartoon where Bugs is playing all the positions, right, but instead of Bugs it was first base-Andy, second base-Andy, third base-..." Jack told her.

"I mean, it-it was like, it was like he made us into a team." Ianto added in smiling.

"Yep, we sure showed those Hassidic jewellers a thing or two about rugby." Owen laughed hi-fiving his team.

"Can I ask you guys a question? D'you ever think that Andy is maybe.. sometimes.." Gwen let the question hang.

"What?" Jack asked.

"..I dunno, a little too Andy?" She asked.

"Well, no. That's impossible. You can never be too Andy." Ianto told her his smile fading.

"Yeah, it's his, uh, innate Andy-ness that-that-that we adore." Jack's smile was also fading.

"I personally could have a gallon of Andy." Owen added too.

TW

There is a homeless women on the street trying to sell her stuff when Tosh walks up to her.

"Hey, Lizzie." She said brightly.

"Hey, Weird Girl." Lizzie replied.

"I brought you alphabet soup." Tosh said handing it to her.

"Did you pick out the vowels?" Lizzie asked suspiciously examining the tin.

"Yes. But I left in the Ys. 'Cause, y'know, "sometimes y". Uh, I also have something else for you." Tosh told her rummaging in her bag again.

"Saltines?" Lizzie asked hopefully.

"No, but would you like a thousand dollars and a football phone?" Tosh asked simply.

"What?" Lizzie opened the envelope Tosh had just given to her. "Oh my God, there's really money in here!" She exclaimed.

"I know."

"Weird Girl, what are you doing?" Lizzie asked handing her the envelope back.

"No, I want you to have it. I don't want it." Tosh told her pushing it back into her hands.

"No, no, I ha-I have to give you something." Lizzie said searching her cart.

"Oh, that's fine, no." Tosh told her backing off.

"Would you like my tin-foil hat?"

"No. 'Cause you need that. No, it's okay, thanks." Tosh said.

"Please, let me do something." Lizzie begged.

"Okay, alright, you buy me a coke, and then we're even. Okay?"

"Okay."

Tosh and Lizzie walked to the coke stand.

"Keep the change." Lizzie said to the man behind the counter. She was enjoying the feeling of being able to buy things. "Sure you don't wanna pretzel?" She asked Tosh.

"No, I'm fine." Tosh assured her.

"See ya." Lizzie said walking back to her cart.

Tosh opened her coke can and looked inside.

"Huh!" She exclaimed.

TW

The team were back on the sofa's. Tosh was telling them what she had found in her coke can.

"A _thumb_?" Jack asked astounded.

Tosh nodded disgusted.

"Eww!" They all cried.

"I know! I know, I opened it up and there it was, just floating in there, like this tiny little hitch-hiker!" Tosh told them making them flinch.

"Well, maybe it's a contest, y'know? Like, collect all five?" Owen said jokingly.

"Does, um, anyone wanna see?" Tosh asked holding out the can.

"Nooo!" They all cried again.

Owen lit one of his cigarettes.

"Oh, hey, don't do that! Cut it out!" Everyone shouted at him.

"It's worse than the thumb!" Ianto declared.

"Hey, this is so unfair!" Owen said pouting.

"Oh, why is it unfair?" Gwen asked.

"So I have a flaw! Big deal! Like John's constant knuckle-cracking isn't annoying? And Jack, with his over-pronouncing every single word? And Gwen, with that snort when she laughs? I mean, what the hell is that thing? ...I accept all those flaws, why can't you accept me for this?" Owen asked.

The silence was uncomfortable.

"...Does the knuckle-cracking bother everybody?" John asked quietly.

"Well, I-I could live without it." Ianto told him gently.

"Well, is it, like, a little annoying, or is it like when Tosh chews her hair?" He asked.

Tosh, who was chewing her hair, spat it out quickly.

"Oh, now, don't listen to him, Tosh, I think it's endearing." Jack told her.

"Oh, "you do, do you"?" John said imitating Jack.

Gwen started laughing and stopped abruptly when she snorted.

"You know, there's nothing wrong with speaking correctly." Jack said with a humph.

""Indeed there isn't"" Ianto said imitating Jack as well. He saw Jack's face. " ... I should really get back to work." He said quickly.

"Yeah, 'cause otherwise someone might get what they actually ordered." Tosh said sharply.

Ianto spun round. "Ohh-ho-hooohhh. The hair comes out, and the gloves come on." He said angrily. The whole team begin arguing as Owen takes a long happy drag from his cigarette, smiling with triumph.

TW

Gwen is at work with Ruth again. They are sitting in the cafeteria.

"Did you ever go out with a guy your friends all really like?" Gwen asked suddenly.

"No." Was the simple reply.

"Okay.. Well, I'm going out with a guy my friends all really like." Gwen told her.

"Waitwait.. we talking about the coyotes here? All right, a cow got through!" Ruth said laughing.

"Can you believe it? ...Y'know what? I just don't feel _the thing_. I mean, they feel the thing, I don't feel the thing." Gwen explained awkwardly.

"Honey.. you should always feel _the thing_. Listen, if that's how you feel about the guy, Gwen, dump him!" Ruth told her.

"I know.. it's gonna be really hard." Gwen sighed.

"Well, he's a big boy, he'll get over it."

"No, he'll be fine. It's the other five I'm worried about." She said sighing again.

TW

John, Owen and Jack are at the sofa's. John and Jack are talking to Owen about his smoking.

"Do you have any respect for your body?" John asked.

"Don't you realise what you're-you're doing to yourself?" Jack asked as well, they both sounded disappointed in Owen.

"Hey, y'know, I have had it with you guys and your cancer and your emphysema and your heart disease. The bottom line is, smoking is cool, and you know it." Owen said.

"Owen? It's Andy, he wants to speak to you." Ianto told him holding out the phone.

"Really? He does?" Owen looked happy. He took the phone. "Hey, buddy, what's up! Oh, he told you about that, huh. Well, yeah, I have one now and then. Well, yeah, now. Well, it's not that big- ..well, that's true,.. Gee, y'know, no-one- no-one's ever put it like that before. Well, okay, thanks!" Owen handed the phone back to Ianto and stubbed out his cigarette before sitting back down.

"God, he's good." Jack said to Ianto.

"Oh yeah." Ianto agreed.

"Yeah..." The two went off in a daydream about Andy.

They snapped out of it and gave each other a dubious look. Their gaze lingered on each other for a while. Jack almost leant in and kissed Ianto but got cold feet at the last minute so he just went and sat back down.

TW

The team were sat at Ianto and Gwen's apartment.

"Hey. Where's John?" Asked Gwen as she walked in.

"John ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong?" Owen said sarcastically.

"I think he's across the hall." Ianto told her giving Owen a weird look.

"Thanks." Gwen went across the hall to get John.

"Hey Tosh, you gonna have the rest of that Pop-Tart?" Jack asked. There was no answer. ".. Tosh?"

Tosh snapped out of whatever daydream she was in. "Does anyone want the rest of this Pop-Tart?" She asked holding it up.

"Hey, I might!" Jack told her sounding obvious.

"Sorry. ..Y'know, those stupid coke people gave me seven thousand dollars for the thumb." Tosh said deadpan.

"You're kidding. Oh my God." They all said.

"And on my way over here, I stepped in gum. ...What is up with the universe?" Tosh cried.

Gwen walked in dragging John by the arm. It looked like he was just out of the shower. "What's going on?" He demanded.

"Nothing. I just think it's nice when we're all here together." Gwen told him.

"Even nicer when everyone gets to wear their underwear.." John muttered.

"Uh, John.." Ianto began indicating his open legs.

"Oh, God!" He cried closing his knee's hurriedly.

"Okay.." Gwen began. We have to talk."

"Wait, wait, I'm getting a _deja vu_...no, I'm not." Tosh said.

"Alright, we have to talk." Gwen started again.

"There it is!" Tosh exclaimed.

"Okay. It's-it's about Andy. There's something that you should know. I mean, there's really no easy way to say this.. uh.. I've decided to break up with Andy." Gwen said quickly.

The team gasped and clutched eachother. Jack couldn't help but feel Ianto's hand in his own felt so right.

"Is there somebody else?" Jack asked, upset about Andy and trying to get Ianto out of his mind.

"No, nononono.. it's just.. things change. People change." Gwen tried to explain.

"We didn't change.." Ianto sounded so upset Jack wanted to hug him.

"So that's it? It's over? Just like that?" John demanded.

"You know.. you let your guard down, you start to really care about someone, and I just- I-" Tosh couldn't finish her sentence.

"Look, I- I could go on pretending-" Gwen began.

"Okay!" John said.

"-but that wouldn't be fair to me, it wouldn't be fair to Andy- It wouldn't be fair to you!" She finished.

"Who-who wants fair? Y'know, I just want things back. Y'know, the way they were." Jack said to her.

"I'm sorry.." Gwen started.

"Oh, she's sorry! I feel better!" Owen spat sarcastically.

"I just can't believe this! I mean, with the holidays coming up- I wanted him to meet my family-" Ianto said.

_'Please don't cry I will crack if you cry.' _Jack begged in his mind.

"I'll meet somone else. There'll be other Andy's." Gwen tried to reassure them.

"Oh, yeah! Right!" They all cried.

"Are you guys gonna be okay?" Gwen asked.

"Hey hey, we'll be fine. We're just gonna need a little time." Jack told her sharply.

"I understand." She said doubtfully.

TW

Gwen was in a restaurant with Andy and she had just told him the bad news.

"Wow." Andy said.

"I'm, I'm really sorry." Gwen told him patting him sympathetically.

"Yeah, I'm sorry too. But, I gotta tell you, I am a little relieved." Andy admitted.

"Relieved?" Gwen asked a little hurt.

"Yeah, well, I had a great time with you.." Gwen relaxed. "I just can't stand your friends." He admitted.

Gwen tried hard not to laugh.

TW**  
**

The team were sitting in Gwen and Ianto's apartment. They were moping around eating ice-cream.

"Remember when we went to Central Park and rented boats?.. That was fun." Ianto said sadly taking a spoon of ice-cream.

"Yeah. He could row like a viking." Jack said.

Gwen entered the room.

"Hi." She called.

"Mmm. " They mumbled in reply.

"So how'd it go?" Jack asked.

"Oh, y'know.." Gwen said.

"Did he mention us?" Tosh asked hopefully.

"He said he's really gonna miss you guys." Gwen lied.

"You had a rough day, huh.. c'mere." Jack said. Gwen came over and Jack started to massage her forehead.

"...That's it. I'm getting cigarettes." Owen declared standing up.

"No no no!" They all cried.

"I don't care, I don't care! Game's over! I'm weak! I've gotta smoke! I've gotta have the smoke!" Owen told them all leaving the room.

"If you never smoke again I'll give you seven thousand dollars!" Tosh shouted after him.

Owen came back into the room. "Yeah, alright."

**So there we go :) Next chapter soon :) Review please :) **


	4. The One With George Stephanopoulos

**Woot next chapter ! These take SO long to write ! But I think it will be worth it :)**

The team were yet again at the sofa's in the Hub. Everyone is there except John.

"Alright. Tosh?" Gwen asked.

"Okay, okay. If I were omnipotent for a day, I would want, um, world peace, no more hunger, good things for the rain-forest...And bigger boobs!" Tosh said laughing.

"Yeah, see.. you took mine." Jack joked. "Owen, what about you?"

"Uh, if I were omnipotent for a day, I'd.. make myself omnipotent forever." Owen said triumphantly.

"See, there's always one person. "If I had a wish, I'd wish for three more wishes."" Ianto mocked Owen.

John came into the Hub.

"Hey John. Hi. Hey, buddy." They all called out greetings.

"Hey, John, what would you do if you were omnipotent?" Gwen asked.

"Probably kill myself!" John cried.

" ..Excuse me?" Gwen asked confused.

"Hey, if Little John's dead, then I got no reason to live!" John declared.

"John, uh- **Om**nipotent." Jack tried to explain.

"You _are_? Jack, I'm sorry.." John said as the team slapped their foreheads.

TW

Jack and Gwen are watching Tosh sleeping on the Hub sofa.

"How does she do that?" Gwen pondered aloud.

"I cannot sleep sitting upright." Jack said.

"Would you look at her? She is so peaceful." Gwen said.

Tosh suddenly awoke startling Gwen and Jack. "Oh! What what what! ...Hi." She ended up saying.

"It's okay, y'know, you just nodded off again." Jack told her.

"What's going on with you?" Gwen asked.

"I got no sleep last night!" She declared.

"Why?" Jack asked.

"My grandmother has this new boyfriend, and they're both kind of insecure in bed. Oh, and deaf. So they're constantly, like, having to reassure each other that they're having a good time. You have no idea how loud they are!" Tosh told them.

"Well, if you want, you can stay with Ianto and me tonight." Gwen said.

"Thanks." Tosh accepted, relieved.

Owen and John walked into the Hub. John is counting his steps.

"...Ninety-five, ninety-six, ninety-seven. See, I told you! Less than a hundred steps from our place to here." John declared triumphantly.

"You got waaaay too much free time." Owen told him patting him.

"Hey! Here's the birthday boy! Jack, check it out: rugby tickets, The Welsh Rugby Union, tonight at the Garden, and we're taking you." John told Jack excitedly.

"Happy birthday, pal!" Owen cheered.

"We love you, man." John added kissing him.

"Funny, my birthday was seven months ago." Jack told them.

"So?" John asked.

"So, I'm guessing you had an extra ticket and couldn't decide which one of you got to bring a date?" Jack guessed.

"Well, aren't we Mr. "The glass is half empty"." Owen snided.

"Oh my God, oh- is today the twentieth, October twentieth?" Jack cried looking at the date on the ticket.

"Oh, I was hoping you wouldn't remember." Gwen said sympathetically.

"Ohhh." Jack moaned.

"What's wrong with the twentieth?" John asked.

"Eleven days before Hallowe'en.. all the good costumes are gone?"Owen asked sarcastically.

"Today's the day Carol and I first.. consummated our physical relationship." Jack said. He saw John's confused look. "Sex. .." Jack told him as John nodded. "You know what, I-I'd better pass on the game. I think I'm just gonna go home and think about my ex-wife and her lesbian lover." Jack told them sighing.

"The hell with rugby, let's all do that!" John laughed.

"C'mon, Ross! You, me, John, pitch, guys' night out, c'mon, whaddya say, big guy, huh? huh? Huh?" Owen was playfully punching Jack in the stomach.

"What are you doing?" Jack asked raising an eyebrow.

"I have no idea." Owen said stopping.

"C'mon, Jack!" John pleaded.

"Alright, alright, maybe it'll take my mind off it. Do you promise to buy me a big thumb finger?" Jack negotiated.

"You got it." Owen agreed.

Ianto runs in carrying an envelope.

"Look look look look look, my first pay check!" He said excitedly. He'd honestly had enough of living on 'daddy's' credit card.

"I remember the day I got my first pay check. There was a cave in in one of the mines, and eight people were killed." Tosh told them.

"Wow, you worked in a mine?" Gwen asked.

"I worked in a Dairy Queen, why?" Tosh asked. Gwen ignored her.

"I earned this. I wiped tables for it, I steamed milk for it, and it was -." Ianto opened the envelope. " -not worth it. Who's FICA? Why's he getting all my money? I mean, what- Owen, look at that." Ianto passed the envelope to Owen.

"Oh, this is not that bad." Owen told him.

"Oh, you're fine, yeah, for a first job." John added.

"You can totally, totally live on this." Jack reassured him.

"Yeah, yeah." Gwen said.

"Oh, by the way, _great_ service tonight." Jack told him.

"Oh! Yeah!" The team all got out their wallets and purses and handed her ten's and twenties as tips.

"Rugby!" The boys cried as they remembered they had to get going.

Three men enter the Hub and see Ianto. "Ianto?" One of them said.

"Oh my God!" Ianto exclaimed. He walked over to the three and gave them a man hug each. "What are you guys doing here?" He asked.

"Well, we were in the city, and your mam said you work here, aaand it's true!" A different man said.

"Look at you in the apron. You look like you're in a play." Another told him playfully.

"Yeah I know." Ianto sighed as all four of them sat at a table.

TW

John, Owen and Jack are walking down the street. Owen and John are kicking a can back and forth. They pass it to Jack but he misses it because he's looking in a shop window sadly.

"Martha was wearing boots just like those the night that we- we first- y'know. Fact, she, uh- she never took'em off, 'cause we-we-." Jack spotted Owen's look. "Sorry. Sorry."

They carry on walking but Jack suddenly stops.

"What?" John asked.

"Peach pit." Jack said.

"Yeah..." Owen indicated he should elaborate.

"Peach pit. That night we, uh- we had-." Jack was saying.

"-Peaches?" John guessed.

"Actually, nectarines, but basically.."Jack let his sentence hang. "Then, uh, then we got dressed, and I-I... I walked her to the-" Jack stops and points to the bus stop. "-the bus stop... I'm fine." He said welling up.

"Hey, that woman's got an ass like Martha's!" John suddenly shouted. "What? Thought we were trying to find stuff." He said.

TW

At the Hub Ianto is still talking to his friends.

"So c'mon, you guys, tell me all everything." Ianto asked.

"Well, the biggest news is still you dumping Barry at the altar." One said.

"Alright. Let's talk reality for a second." Another added.

"Okay." Ianto frowned.

"When are you coming home?" They asked.

"What?" Ianto looked surprised. "Guys, I'm not."

"C'mon, this is us." They insisted.

"I'm not! This is what I'm doing now. I've got this job-" Ianto told them.

"Waiting on people?" One raised an eyebrow.

"Okay, I'm not just waiting. I'm.. I, um... I write the specials on the specials board, and, uh... and I, uh... I take the uh dead flowers out of the vase... Oh, and, um, sometimes Artelle lets me put the little chocolate blobbies on the cookies." He finished.

"Well. Your mam didn't tell us about the blobbies." One guy said.

TW

Gwen and Tosh are in pyjama's and Gwen is making something in the blender when Ianto walked in.

"Hey, Yan. How was it with your friends? Okay! How would you like some Tiki Death Punch?" Gwen asked him pouring the contents of the blender into glasses.

"What's that?" Ianto asked.

"Weeeell, it's rum, and-" Gwen began but Ianto took a glass and cut her off.

"Okay." He started to down the drink as Gwen and Tosh looked on amazed.

"We thought since Tosh was staying over tonight we'd have kinda like a slumber party thing. We got some trashy magazines, we got cookie dough, we got Twister.." Gwen told him knowing Ianto liked to let out his feminine side once in a while.

The phone rang and Gwen went to answer it.

"Ooh! Ooh! And I brought Operation! But, um, I lost the tweezers, so we can't operate. But we can prep the guy!" Tosh said excitedly.

"Uh, Yan, it's the Visa card people." Gwen told him holding out the phone.

"Oh, God, ask them what they want." Ianto asked.

"Could you please tell me what this is in reference to? ...Yes, hold on." Gwen spoke to Ianto covering the end of the phone. "Um, they say there's been some unusual activity on your account."

"But I haven't used my card in weeks!" Ianto declared.

"That _is_ the unusual activity. Look, they just wanna see if you're okay." Gwen told him.

"They wanna know if I'm okay. Okay.. they wanna know if I'm okay, okay, let's see. Well, let's see, the FICA guys took all my money, everyone I know is either getting married, or getting promoted, and I'm getting coffee! And it's not even for me! So if that sounds like I'm okay, okay, then you can tell them I'm okay, okay?" Ianto shouted.

There is a short pause before Gwen speaks into the phone again. "Uh- Ianto has left the building, can you call back?" She told them.

"Alright, c'mon!" Ianto said miserably. "Let's play Twister!

TW

The guys are at the rugby game trying to find their seats.

Jack is squeezing past people. "Sorry, sorry... Uh-oh." He suddenly said.

"What? There was Plastic seats that night with Martha? Four thousand angry rugby fans?" Owen asked sarcastically sick of Jack moaning.

"No, actually I was just saying it looks like we're not sitting together. But now you mention it, there **was** plastic benches there that night..." Jack said.

"C'mon, sit. Just sit down, sit." John demanded.

TW

Back to Gwen, Ianto and Tosh talking.

"You should feel great about yourself! You're doing this amazing independence thing!" Gwen declared to Ianto.

"Gwen what is so amazing? I gave up, like, everything. And for what?" He asked bitterly.

"You are just like Jack." Tosh said.

" ...Jack, Jack?" Ianto asked confused.

"No, Jack and the Beanstalk." Tosh said.

"Ah, the other Jack." Gwen said jokingly.

"Yeah, right! See, he gave up something, but then he got those magic beans. And then he woke up, and there was this, this big plant outside his window, full of possibilities and stuff.. And he lived in a village..." Tosh explained.

"Okay, but Tosh, Tosh, Jack gave up a cow, I gave up an orthodontist. Okay, I-I-I know, I know I didn't love him-"

"Oh, see, Jack did love the cow." Tosh pointed out sighing.

"But see, it was a plan. Y'know, it was clear. It was figured out, and now everything's just kinda like-" Ianto couldn't find the word.

"Floopy?" Tosh finished.

"Yeah." Ianto sighed.

"So what, you're not the only one. I mean, half the time we don't know where we're going. You've just gotta figure at some point it's all gonna come together, and it's just gonna be... un-floopy." Gwen told him.

"Oh, like that's a word." Tosh raised her eyebrows as Gwen gave her a look.

"Okay, but Gwen, what if- what if it doesn't come together?" Ianto asked.

" ...Tosh?" Gwen asked seeing as she couldn't answer.

"Oh, well... 'cause... you just... I don't like this question." Tosh said sipping her drink again.

"Okay, see, see, you guys, what if we don't get magic beans? I mean, what if all we've got are.. beans?" Ianto asked. They were all silent as they sipped their drinks.

TW

Back to the game.

"Get him! GET HIM! Get him! Get- YESSS! Not laughing now, are ya pal!" Jack was yelling at the rugby pitch.

"See buddy, that's all you need, a bunch of toothless guys hitting each other!" Owen patted him.

"Pass it! Pass it!" Jack yelled.

"He's open!" Owen joined in.

"Shoot! Shoot! Shoot!" Everyone yelled.

The player on the pitch shoots and the rugby ball flies out of the game and hit's Jack in the face. Owen looks concerned until he realises.

"Hey, look, we're on that TV thing!" He declared.

John and Owen start waving and holding up the ball as Jack is in pain.

TW

The boys arrive at the hospital.

Owen walked up to the receptionist. "'Scuse me." He asked.

The receptionist raises her hand because she is on the phone. "It says to call this number if you're not completely satisfied with this candy bar. Well, I'm not completely satisfied." She said angrily into the phone.

"Listen, it's kind of an emergency. Well, I guess you know that, or we'd be in the predicament room." Owen joked.

The receptionist gave him a look that clearly said, bugger-off.

"Hold on." She said into the phone. " Fill these out, sit over there." She thrust some forms into Owen's hands.

"Look, I don't wanna make any trouble, okay, but I'm in a lot of pain here, alright? My face is **dented**." Jack cried jumping up.

"Well, you'll have to wait your turn." The receptionist replied impatiently.

"Well, how long do you think it'll be?" John asked.

"Any minute now." She replied sarcastically.

"Hey, this-." The women gives John a look. "Don't worry."

TW

Back to the girls and Ianto.

"I'm so sorry, you guys. I didn't mean to bring you down." Ianto apologised.

"No, you were right. I don't have a plan." Gwen sighed and went to get the door. "Pizza's here."

"Thank God. Food." Ianto said going to get some.

"Hi, one, uh, mushroom, green pepper and onion?" The pizza guy asked Ianto.

No, no, that's not what we ordered... We ordered a fat-free crust with extra cheese." He told him.

"Wait, you're not ''? Man, my dad's gonna kill me!" The pizza guy exclaimed.

Gwen leaped off the couch and ran to the door. "Wait! Did you say ''?" She asked excitedly.

"Yeah. This one goes across the street, I must have given him yours. Oh, bonehead, bonehead!" The guy said.

"Wait, was this a-a small mediterranean guy with curiously intelligent good looks?" Gwen asked.

"Yeah, that sounds about right." The pizza guy said.

"Was he wearing a stunning blue suit?" She asked.

"And-and a power tie?" Tosh added.

"No, pretty much just a towel." The guy told them.

Gwen staggered. "Oh God."

"So you guys want me to take this back?" The guy asked.

"Are you nuts? We've got George Stephanopoulos' pizza!" Gwen cried taking the pizza.

She runs to the window with some binoculars.

"Uh, Tosh? Who's George Snuffalopagus?" Ianto said trying to pronounce his last name.

"Hot guy!" Tosh declared.

"I see pizza!" Gwen called from the window.

"Oh, I wanna see! Lemme see! Lemme see!" Tosh ran up and takes the binoculars.

"Hello? Who are we spying on?" Ianto asked eagerly.

"White House adviser? Clinton's campaign guy? The one with the great hair, sexy smile, really cute butt?" Gwen told him.

"Oh, him, the little guy? Oh, I love him!" Ianto grinned.

"Ooh, wait.. wait, I see a woman." Tosh said.

"Please tell me it's his mother." Gwen begged.

"Definitely not his mother." Tosh replied sadly.

"Oh, no..." Gwen sighed.

!Oh, wait, she's walking across the floor.. she's walking.. she's walking.. she's going for the pizza- Hey, that's not for you, bitch!" Tosh yelled.

TW

The boys are still in the emergency room.

"Excuse me, look, we've been here for over an hour, and a lot of people less sick than my friend have gone in. I mean, that guy with the toe thing? Who's he sleeping with?" Owen asked loudly.

The women slides the glass door over as if to shut Owen out.

"Oh, c'mon Dora, don't be mad... I know we both said some things we didn't mean, but that doesn't mean we still don't love each other." Owen says sarcastically. She just keeps reading her magazine.

TW

The girls and Ianto are now sitting on the balcony still spying on George.

"Light still out?" Gwen asked Ianto.

"Yeah." He replied.

"Oh. Maybe they're- napping." Gwen said hopefully.

"Oh please, they're having sex." Ianto snorted.

"Shut up!" Tosh and Gwen yelled.

"So, whaddya think George is like?" Ianto asked.

"I think he's shy." Gwen smiled.

"Yeah?" Tosh asked.

"Yeah. I think you have to draw him out. And then- when you do- he's a preppy animal." They all laughed.

TW

Still at the hospital the boys are talking.

"I remember the moonlight coming through the window- and her face had the most incredible glow." Jack was saying.

"Yes, the moon, the glow, the magical feeling, you did this part- Could I get some painkillers over here, please?" Owen yelled to the receptionist.

"He's right, enough, already. What is the big deal about today? So you slept with her for the first time, so what? You slept with her for seven years after that." John told Jack.

"Look, it's just a little more complicated..." Jack began but Owen cut him off.

"Well, what? What? What is it? That she left you? That she likes women? That she left you for another woman that likes women?" Owen snapped.

"Little louder, okay, I think there's a man on the twelfth floor in a coma that didn't quite hear you..." Jack snarled.

"Then what?" Owen asked more gently.

"My first time with Martha was.." Jack mumbled inaudibly.

"What?" John asked.

"It was my _first time_." Jack whispered.

"With Martha?" John asked.

Jack gave him a look.

"Oh." John said realising.

"So in your whole life, you've only been with one-" Owen began but saw the look on Jack's face. "-oh."

"Whoah, boy, rugby was a big mistake! There was a whole bunch of stuff we could've done tonight!" John declared.

TW

Back to the balcony.

"Okay. Okay, I got one. Do you remember that vegetarian pate that I made that you loved so much?" Gwen said.

"Uh-huh." Tosh said.

"Well, unless goose is a vegetable...ha haaaah!" Gwen laughed. She was very drunk.

"Oh! Oh! Oh! Okay, fine, fine. Now I don't feel so bad about sleeping with Jason Hurley." Tosh huffed.

"What? You slept with Jason?" Gwen snapped.

"You'd already broken up." Tosh told her.

"How long?" Ianto asked.

"A couple hours." Tosh smiled.

"Oh, that's nice!" Gwen raised her eyebrows.

"Okay, okay, okay, I got one! The valentine Tommy Rollerson left in your locker was really from me." Ianto told Gwen.

"Excuse me?" Gwen cried.

"Hello? Like he was really gonna send you one?" He said. He looked at Tosh. "She was a _big girl_." He told her as she laughed.

"Really. Well, at least 'big girls' don't pee in their pants in seventh grade!" Gwen said triumphantly.

"I was laughing! You made me laugh!" Ianto protested.

"There he is! There he is!" Tosh cried.

"Where?" Gwen asked.

"Right- where we've been looking all night!" Tosh told her.

"He is so cute!" Ianto said.

"Oh, George, baby, drop the towel!" Gwen begged.

"Yeah, drop it! Drop the towel! Please drop the-" They all stopped as George dropped the towel. "Wow." They all said.

TW

The hospital. Jack is finally being seen to.

"Man. Can you believe he's only had sex with one woman?" John asked Owen.

"I think it's great. Y'know, it's sweet, it's romantic.." Owen said.

"Really?" John asked in shock.

"No, you kidding? The guy's a freak.. " Owen laughed.

Jack come back in.

"Hey, buddy." They cry.

"Hi." He is wearing a steel bandage across his nose. He throws the forms at the receptionist.

"Oh, that's attractive." She said sarcastically.

"Oh, I thought you were great in Silence of the Lambs. Oh come on, admit it! All things considered, you had fun tonight." Owen said.

"Fun? Where was the fun? Tell me specifically, which part was the fun part? Where's my ball?" Jack sighed.

"Oh, ah- the kid has it." John said.

"The kid..?" Jack turns to the kid. "Excuse me, uh, that's, that's my ball."

"I found it. Finders keepers, losers weepers." The kid said.

"Listen, uh- gimme back my ball." Jack demanded.

"No." The kid said.

"'Yes', how about. C'mere. Gimme!" Jack cried.

"No! No!" The kid and Jack fight over it.

"Hey! Hey! No rough holding in my ER!" The receptionist called.

"GIVE ME MY BALL!" He tries to grab it but it flies into the face of the receptionist.

" ...Now **that** was fun." Jack grinned.

TW

Mayhem was happening in Ianto and Gwen's apartment. Arms and legs were tangled into a mess. Jack spun the Twister spinner. He couldn't play because of the rugby incident.

"Okay, Gwen: Right foot red." He laughed as she desperately tried to reach a red spot.

"Could've played Monopoly, but nooooo." She cried as her legs were apart two spots apart and her back arched to reach the other colours.

"Okay, Tosh: Right hand blue." Jack called spinning again. Tosh has to bend over Gwen to reach the blue. John looked at her butt appreciatively. Suddenly the phone rang. Owen went to answer it.

"Hello?" He asked. He covered the end of the phone. "Oh, uh, Ianto, it's the Visa card people." He told him.

"Oh, okay. Will you take my place?" Ianto asked as he got up and stretched his legs, happy to be out of the position he was in.

"Alright." Owen reluctantly went and put his hands and feet on the mat. "God! How did you stay in this position!" He cried.

Ianto ignored him and took the phone. "Hello? Oh, yeah, no, I know, I-I haven't been using it much. Oh, well, thanks, but, I'm okay, really." He was saying.

"Green. To the green." Jack called out.

"To the left, to the left-aww!" The team all collapsed in a giggling heap.

"Ohhh... I'm fine." Ianto said into the phone smiling at his friends. "I'm really, really fine."

**There we are then :) Sorry for any mistakes :) **


End file.
